Hottywood's HORRORscopes: Week of July 31-August 6, 2011

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s a little ghetto to replace cake icing with mayonnaise unless you or your next door neighbor’s name begins with “La-” and ends with “-isha.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If someone pushes you, you can pull them. If someone pulls you down, you can always bite their ankles.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Working one day a year only works for Santa Claus.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Someone will be sick of your sh!t. And when they’re not sick, they will be tired. Now is a good time to buy some running shoes because your ass is two shakes of a lamb’s tail from getting kicked.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Beware of a bald-headed street cleaner that sniffs luggage at the airport for recreation.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Being underestimated gives you automatic rights to tell your haters, “I told u so.”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

“A penny for your thoughts,” is just another way of saying your opinion isn’t worth $.02.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your success is destined to go in one of two directions: up the ladder or up the river.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

As fashionable as you think you are, all of your taste is only in your mouth.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Although it may smell like it later, the beans in your burrito is not really beans at all.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Some say it’s best to avoid fruits, nuts, turkey & sh!t because you are what you eat.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The next person you French kiss will look as if they’ve been sucking on green jolly ranchers all day.

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Quote of the week:  “People that are sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.”

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A Painful Incredulity: Psychopathy and Cognitive Dissonance

Almost everyone involved with a psychopath goes through a phase (and form) of denial. It’s very tough to accept the sad reality that the person who claimed to be your best friend or the love of your life is actually a backstabbing snake whose sole purpose in life is humiliating and dominating those around him. Rather than confront this reality, some victims go into denial entirely. They aren’t ready to accept any part of the truth, which, when suppressed, often surfaces in anxiety, projection and nightmares.

At some point, however, the evidence of a highly disturbed personality shows through, especially once the psychopath is no longer invested in a given victim and thus no longer makes a significant effort to keep his mask on. Then total denial is no longer possible. The floodgates of reality suddenly burst open and a whole slew of inconsistencies, downright lies, manipulations, criticism and emotional abuse flows through to the surface of our consciousness.

However, even then it’s difficult to absorb such painful information all at once. Our heart still yearns for what we have been persuaded, during the luring phase, was our one true love. Our minds are still filled with memories of the so-called good times with the psychopath. Yet, the truth about the infidelities, the constant deception, the manipulation and the backstabbing can no longer be denied. We can’t undo everything we learned about the psychopath; we cannot return to the point of original innocence, of total blindness. The result is a contradictory experience: a kind of internal battle between clinging to denial and accepting the truth.

Cognitive dissonance is a painful incredulity marked by this inner contradiction in the victim’s attitude towards the victimizer. In 1984, perhaps the best novel about brainwashing that occurs in totalitarian regimes, George Orwell coined his own term for this inner contradiction: he called it doublethink. Doublethink is not logical, but it is a common defense mechanism for coping with deception, domination and abuse. Victims engage in doublethink, or cognitive dissonance, in a partly subconscious attempt to reconcile the contradictory claims and behavior of the disordered individuals who have taken over their lives.

The denial itself can take several forms. It can manifest itself as the continuing idealization of the psychopath during the luring phase of the relationship or it can be shifting the blame for what went wrong in the relationship from him, the culprit, to ourselves, or to other victims. In fact, the easiest solution is to blame neither oneself nor the psychopath, but other victims. How often have you encountered the phenomenon where people who have partners who cheat on them lash out at the other women (or men) instead of holding their  partners accountable for their actions? It’s far easier to blame someone you’re not emotionally invested in than someone you love, particularly if you still cling to that person or relationship.

Other victims project the blame back unto themselves.  They accept the psychopath’s projection of blame and begin questioning themselves: what did I do wrong, to drive him away? What was lacking in me that he was so negative or unhappy in the relationship? Was I not smart enough, virtuous enough, hard-working enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough, attentive enough, submissive enough etc.

When one experiences cognitive dissonance, the rational knowledge about psychopathy doesn’t fully sink in on an emotional level. Consequently, the victim moves constantly back and forth between the idealized fantasy and the pathetic reality of the psychopath. This is a very confusing process and an emotionally draining one as well. Initially, when you’re the one being idealized by him, the fantasy is that a psychopath can love you and that he is committed to you and respects you. Then, once you’ve been devalued and/or discarded, the fantasy remains that he is capable of loving others, just not you. That you in particular weren’t right for him, but others can be. This is the fantasy that the psychopath tries to convince every victim once they enter the devalue phase. Psychopaths truly believe this because they never see anything wrong with themselves or their behavior, so if they’re no longer excited by a person, they conclude it must be her (or his) fault; that she (or he) is deficient.

Because you put up with emotional abuse from the psychopath you were with and recently been through the devaluation phase–in fact, for you it was long and drawn-out–you have absorbed this particular fantasy despite everything you know about psychopaths’ incapacity to love or even care about others. But with time and no contact, the rational knowledge and the emotional will merge, and this last bit of illusion about the psychopath will be dissolved.

Cognitive dissonance is part and parcel of being the victim of a personality disordered individual. It doesn’t occur in healthy relationships for several reasons:

1) healthy individuals may have good and bad parts of their personalities, but they don’t have a Jekyll and Hyde personality; a mask of sanity that hides an essentially malicious and destructive self. In a healthy relationship, there’s a certain transparency: basically, what you see is what you get. People are what they seem to be, flaws and all.

2) healthy relationships aren’t based on emotional abuse, domination and a mountain of deliberate lies and manipulation

3) healthy relationships don’t end abruptly, as if they never even happened because normal people can’t detach so quickly from deeper relationships

4) conversely, however, once healthy relationships end, both parties accept that and move on. There is no stalking and cyberstalking, which are the signs of a disordered person’s inability to detach from a dominance bond: a pathetic attempt at reassertion of power and control over a relationship that’s over for good

Cognitive dissonance happens  in those cases where there’s an unbridgeable contradiction between a dire reality and an increasingly implausible fantasy which, once fully revealed, would be so painful to accept, that you’d rather cling to parts of the fantasy than confront that sad reality and move on.

Relatedly, cognitive dissonance is also a sign that the psychopath still has a form of power over you: that his distorted standards still have a place in your brain. That even though you may reject him on some level, on another his opinions still matter to you. Needless to say, they shouldn’t. He is a fraud; his opinions are distorted; his ties to others, even those he claims to “love,” just empty dominance bonds. Rationally, you already know that his opinions and those of his followers should have no place in your own mental landscape.  

But if emotionally you still care about what he thinks or feels, then you are giving a disordered person too much power over you: another form of cognitive dissonance, perhaps the most dangerous. Cut those imaginary ties and cut the power chords that still tie you to a pathological person, his disordered supporters and their abnormal frame of reference.  Nothing good will ever come out of allowing a psychopath and his pathological defenders any place in your heart or mind. The schism between their disordered perspective and your healthy one creates the inner tension that is also called cognitive dissonance. To eliminate this inner tension means to free yourself– body, heart and mind–from the psychopath, his followers and their opinions or standards. What they do, say, think or believe –and the silly mind games they choose to play–simply does not matter.

For a fictionalized representation of psychopathic seduction, check out my new novel, The Seducer, previewed on the links below:

Claudia Moscovici, psychopathyawareness

Be the first to like this post.July 29, 2011
Categories: A Painful Incredulity: Psychopathy and Cognitive Dissonance, a stronger you, bad men, borderline personality disorder, boredom, can psychopaths fall in love, charming predators, cheating, Claudia Moscovici, cognitive dissonance, confusing relationships, cyberpath, cyberstalking, Dangerous Liaisons, dangerous men, deception, denial, devalue and discard, do psychopaths fall in love, domestic abuse, domestic violence, doublethink, emotional abuse, emotional predators, emotional vampires, evil, faces of evil, Hervey Cleckley, how sociopaths think, insincerity, love addiction, manipulative men, manipulative personalities, mental health, moving on, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, psychological torture, psychology, psychopath, psychopathic lovers, psychopathic seducer, psychopathic seduction, Psychopathy and Cognitive Dissonance, signs you're dating a loser, social predators, sociopath, sociopathy, stringing women along, The Seducer, The Seducer: A Novel, The sociopath next door, wishful thinking, Without conscience . Tags: 1984, A Painful Incredulity: Psychopathy and Cognitive Dissonance, Claudia Moscovici, cognitive dissonance, Dangerous Liaisons, dangerous men, dangerous relationships, dating bad men, dating dangerous men, deception, denial, denial and cognitive dissonance, domestic violence, doublethink, emotional abuse, George Orwell, going in denial, Hervey Cleckley, Orwell, psychopathy, psychopathy and cognitive dissonance, psychopathy awareness, psychopathyawareness, social predators, sociopath, sociopaths, sociopathy, The Mask of Sanity, The Seducer, The Seducer: A Novel, The Seducer: A Novel about Psychopathic Seduction, The sociopath next door, toxic relationships, what is a psychopath, Without conscience . Author: psychopathyawareness

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Clare’s Law Tango - Quick, Quick, Slow

In September 2009 ACPO led by Chief Constable Brian Moore produced a report about Tackling Perpetrators of Violence for the Home Office in which 10 additional powers/laws to better protect women and girls are proposed. 

One such law has become known as Clare’s law and would give persons at risk of domestic violence the right to know relevant information in the possession of the state.

The proposed law takes its name from Clare Wood who was murdered by her ex-partner in 2009 after a 2 year campaign of harassment and violence when she ended their relationship. Her killer had a history including:

 Repeated harassment of womenThreats to killKidnap of an ex-girlfriend at knifepoint Wiltshire Police identified 126 serial perpetrators (those who have used or threatened violence against 2 or more unconnected victims who were intimate partners of the perpetrator) from 2006-09. 91% of serial perpetrators had 2 victims in that time and 8% 2 victims. The perpetrators were not identified as “serial” by the police or agencies and none were prosecuted for serial activities. Few other forces were able to measure the prevalence of serial perpetrators this allowed only for an estimate of serial perpetrators in theUKof 25,000. The evidence and research in progress suggests the right to know might be possible but that such as approach would need to be piloted in order to ascertain whether victims would be impacted negatively and be less likely to access services as a result MAPPA and MARAC could be appropriate vehicles for any disclosure or senior personnel where emergency disclosure is considered appropriate

The policy and campaign have been publicly debated “quick, quick”. The rights and wrongs of the policy have been considered in the press http://linkd.in/oKeHe5 and elsewhere http://linkd.in/qTeqTC.

There are important issues; some highlighted in the ACPO report, which mean that implementation of the policy should be slow:

The protection of victims and potential victims is paramount. Rapid implementation of this policy could increase the risk to victims where there may be inadequate support. Further, knowledge of the impact of such information on victims in terms of the risk of self harm (eg in 3% of incidents of partner abuse in 2008-09, the victim tried to commit suicide) or how they access support and services is not known.The data upon which the decision has been reached is inadequate. Although the extrapolation method used to estimate the number of serial offenders is valid it can only suggest an estimate. This leads on to the next point. The current systems in place cannot ensure a fair balance of the rights of victims and alleged perpetrators because most forces are currently unable to identify serial perpetrators let alone provide reliable information on risk to the MAPPA/MARAC to enable reasoned decisions on disclosure of information. Victimology is a developing area. To be clear, I do not blame victims and survivors at all for their suffering at the hands of abusers. Abusers have to answer for their actions without excuse. Nevertheless, it remains important to understand factors which may contribute to victimisation.

The parliamentary campaign for Clare’s law entitled “Respect and Protect” is headed by former Home Secretary Hazel Blears MP and Clare’s father is also backed by Faboulous magazine and a host of celebrities who have begun a petition to change the law as part of the campaign www.facebook.com/fabulous

 The other 9 ACPO proposals are:

Statutory MaracSerial Perpetrator Register and TrackingHaving regard to the high attrition rate of interpersonal violence against women and girls cases in the CJS, consideration should be given to a new criminal offence whereby a prosecution may be brought on the basis of a‘Course of Conduct’ against different victims of interpersonal violence without the need for constituent cases to meet the Code for Crown Prosecutors Full Code TestWhere a witness statement has been provided by a victim of interpersonal violence it should be immediately and automatically available to herDomestic Violence Protection Order (already in pilot phase and blog to follow soon)Serial Perpetrator of Violence OrderConditional CautioningObligation for health professionals to report female genital mutilation (FGM) in pregnant women to protect female children born to these women from FGMLiability to Suicide – persons who through a course of conduct of abuse cause another person to take their life should be criminally liable for their actions

 See here for the full report Tackling Perpetrators of Violence Against Women And Girls

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Filling the Spaces

I have two first dates this week, on my only nights off. I don’t really know much about either, perhaps that is what I have resorted to now. I know that I found them “interesting” enough to contact them, but it’s a mental block I can’t get past. I’m not retaining details about them. My heart doesn’t want to.

Last week, I went on one first date. This gentleman, the Legal Design Guy, doesn’t know my ex like I thought he might (thankfully), he was getting into the music school as Type Geek was leaving. Also, it turns out he knows a circle of people who I know, which also don’t know Type Geek, so that explains it. So, we had oysters, we had drinks, we had pâté and confit and more drinks. Conversation was fine, but it felt more friend than anything. There is something slightly smarmy that I can’t get past, that I don’t find sexy. I can’t pin point it exactly, but it’s there.

Remember my Jewish Sex God from the very beginning? The one who ushered me into the folds? Well, we were having a conversation the other night, our friendship never really being the same since my trip to visit him that weekend. In the course of the dialogue he mentions that we had no sexual connection and proceeded to tell me why. Now, it’s fine that he didn’t feel a connection to me, but it isn’t fine that he decided to tell me that my being nervous at the reality of having sex with a well endowed man after 12 years of non penetrative lesbian sex translated into being a horrible lay who he felt ashamed to touch. WHAT? Yeah, so, he said that I was largely unresponsive, behaving as a victim of sexual abuse does, because I didn’t make much noise, because I didn’t show him how much I was enjoying sex with him. That I was too inside myself and didn’t give much to my partner, that he felt awful continuing to touch me because he felt that I must have been abused because I seemed to be in another place. Ok, once again, WHAT? Again, 12 years…non penetrative lesbian… flies to Seattle to have weekend sex romp with well endowed male friend… maybe, just MAYBE, I was nervous and shy and insecure about the entire thing?! What a dick, and I am NOT talking about his dick. I felt shitty afterwards, so I ended up emailing Type Geek for his take on my sexual style and he confirmed that Seattle is a DICK, and that I should NEVER give another thought to it, because I was obviously nervous and that he had zero concerns with my style. Thank you Type Geek. Grrr, Seattle. Seattle had no idea why I was angry, which at first I wasn’t. After I thought about it though, that is when I started to get angry, and offended.

So, yeah, Type Geek, we have texted. I apologized to him for not being able to pretend I don’t care and just cut ties. I’m not done with him. I can’t shake that a huge part of me believes that our story hasn’t ended yet. It’s just not our time. But, I want it to be. I know I can’t rush it, but I want to. I want the life with him that I know we can have, but he doesn’t have enough balls yet to have faith, to let go, to grasp something unknown, rather than his own fear. He needs time, he needs some self work, and I just need to live my life, which includes dating other people, while he does his work. Someday I will try again.

If you all think I am foolish, honestly, fuck you. I’m not on this journey for any of you, for how you would do it. It isn’t a choose your own adventure, and you don’t have the right to be angry at the roads I choose to take, because they are different from the paths and methods you would. This is MY story, and when I am laying in my final hours, I owe explanations to only my heart and the hearts of those I have chosen to embrace into my own.  I thank you all for reading, for getting involved and attached and relating, but in the end, this story is uniquely my own and I have no regrets about how I am living it and loving through it, even if that means I am just filling the spaces between Type Geek. Even if that means I am frustrating the hell out of my readers.

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Fear of the FemiNazi

"Lipstick and Blood" by José Gómez Fresquet

So I’ve been dipping my toe into feminism. I just finished a book on the topic, in fact. And though I like what I hear, I’m admittedly a little hesitant to bring it up in conversation. Why? At worst, the word “feminist” conjures the image of an ugly, man-hating, hairy-pitted bitch. A kinder rendition might be someone a tad too uptight and politically correct to be much fun. These people are angry, and preach about issues that are not the most pressing in the world right now.

But no, I will wear my feminist status proudly. Ignorance and hatin’ come with every cause. This stuff IS important because of how wide-encompassing it is and how blindly ingrained sexist customs are in society. If you’re sitting comfortably, perhaps with some nibblies, I’ll give you a little taste.

Soon into my book, Full Frontal Feminism by Jessica Valenti, I began to wonder why feminist issues are not more widely known. Race and LGBT issues cause a lot of stir, and while they relate to large populations, women make up 50% of the world! “Stop being gay” has achieved recognition of being inappropriate, but “stop being such a girl” has not. Both imply that being gay or a girl is an undesirable quality.

That expression is a small, more harmless-sounding example, but it illustrates how when something is so widely used, it’s seen as normal and unnecessary or impossible to change. It’s ingrained to the point where it’s seen as “just how society is.”

A broader example–when a woman is attacked, sure no one thinks highly of the perpetrator, but the messed up thing is that a lot of the time more focus and blame is put on the victim, even if you don’t realize it. She should have known better than to have walked alone, walked in that area, or walked that late at night. But most importantly, she should have known better to do those things dress like that.

It’s unsettling that society is viewed as inevitably dangerous for women and so the onus is on them to be constantly fearful and on guard. Maybe there should be less self-defense classes for women and more programs for boys in school to combat our culture which objectifies women, bringing on apathy and violence.

And rape is never the victim’s fault. As Valenti says, “I don’t care if you’re a naked, drunk, passed-out prostitute. It doesn’t matter.”

“But women shouldn’t walk alone in shady ass areas at night in clubbin get-up…” I first thought to myself. But if we’re going to effect change, why do it in a way that oppresses the lives of the victims rather than targets the perpetrators? Everyone should have the right to just “be”. And plus, no one wants to be forced to live as a fugly, caged-in broad who must always travel in packs.

Tip of the iceberg, people. Perhaps a briefer, bulleted list of arguments I liked from Ms. Valenti at a later date.

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National Grandparent’s Day 2011

National Grandparent’s Day was founded to champion the cause of lonely elderly persons residing in nursing homes and to encourage their grandchildren to tap into the wisdom and heritage their grandparents could provide. It has grown to be a special day for all to celebrate the roles grandparents play in the family unit. In 2011, National Grandparent’s Day will be celebrated on Sunday, September 11.

As National Grandparents Day approaches, it is a great idea for grandchildren to identify favorite photos in the family albums with their grandparents. Countless joyous memories can be derived from viewing the photo albums. National Grandparent’s Day is a time to discover one’s roots and learn patience, understanding and appreciation for the elderly. National Grandparents Day is an ideal time to enhance communication between generations.

For more than thirty years, we have formally celebrated the role of grandparents in the lives of their grandchildren as a nation. In 1978, the United States Congress passed
legislation proclaiming the first Sunday after Labor Day as National Grandparents Day. President Jimmy Carter signed the proclamation. Now more than ever before, we should celebrate grandparents and the expanding role they are playing in the lives of their grandchildren. Don’t forget to honor your grandparents on National Grandparents Day, Sunday, September 11th. For further information on National Grandparents Day, visit www.grandparents-day.com.  Sources: Wikipedia. www.grandparents-day.com. Photo Credit: Microsoft Clip Art.

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Battered But Not Broken- YWCA's Circle of Women Event

Earlier this year, my dear friend Kristin asked me to join the steering committee for the YWCA’s Circle of Women event, which is designed to raise awareness about domestic violence and money for the YWCA’s programs. This year marks the 35th year the organization has provided domestic abuse services to our community and the 15th Circle of Women event. I was honored by the request and jumped on board to help.

Among  it’s many programs, the YWCA offers a crisis shelter for women and children who are victims of domestic abuse. There they receive the help they need to break free from their situations and start new lives. It is so important that the public understand that it is not easy for women to leave these situations- oftentimes there are children, financial, and safety factors that come into play that make it very difficult for them to simply get out. And it can happen to anyone. The YWCA is here to help. No woman should have to suffer in silence.

A member of the committee and local newscaster Terra Brantley takes an in-depth look at the problem of domestic violence in her three-part series: Battered but not Broken. She profiles 3 women who have served time in prison for crimes they committed in self defense. Click on this link to view those videos and hear the stories:

http://www.wane.com/dpp/news/local/special-report%3A-battered-not-broken

The Circle of Women event is Thursday, December 1. For more information visit YWCA of Northeast Indiana’s website.

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NATIVE GANGS-AN EPIDEMIC OF IGNORANCE

Gangs-the latest pariah of the nations and the most virulent of present day cultural genocidal entities.

Raises the question for me for all the talk of groups like the Akicita and Strong Heart Warrior Society where the hell are they? Why isn’t this something they are proactively addressing in the midst of all the grist mill rhetoric of tradition they so eagerly espouse?

Why aren’t liberators, website owners, and walkers and talkers focusing on this issue instead of avoiding it like the plague? Are gangs part of their constituency, their homeys, or would there be a decline in those donations if they were to? Would it mar the image of the people?

Is it that in having established their own gang and roamed at will for decades they find themselves in decline now due to age and not so brave anymore, no longer so “dedicated” to the welfare of the people?

Aging thespians who haven’t what it takes to either exit the stage quietly or in a grand finale of selflessly doing some good. Aging thespians clinging to who they think they used to be and so caught up in the pursuit of money and attention they would show up for the grand opening of a telephone booth.

It’s always easier to say a white man raped an indigenous woman than one of our own-easier to say a white man stole from us than one of own. Easier to affix blame for a drug and alcohol problem to everything else than to say that person needs to get their act together. A willing embrace of victimhood to deny any responsibility.

In taking this approach it amounts to little more than enabling a cultural genocide of epic proportions.

The nations have long been held hostage and just as the first few steps are taken in the courts to remediate that a new hostage taker in the form of gangs is allowed entry.

Can anyone point to a single reference to this anywhere on the net that has been posted by their hero of choice-can they show me where the liberators with their websites and fanned fb pages have addressed this? Can anyone show me where AIM is addressing this? Is that a no? If so perhaps someone can offer an explanation why.

Some dilapidated graffiti smeared government funded community center or basketball court doesn’t cut it-what is required is to get out in the streets and address it. What is required is for people to say enough and take back what is theirs, what is required is for the leadership of elders to be recognized and re established, and for parents to set an example and parent-that doesn’t have a damn thing to do with the government or the white man.

Tribal leadership needs to forget about stuffing their pockets and favoritism-they need to step up and bulldoze the vacant houses where the nightcrawlers gather-they need to clean up the debris that litters every rez-in short, they need to place the welfare of the ones they represent first for a change and adopt a policy of zero tolerance instead of some feigned political correctness.

Follow the link below and read some of the comments-ask yourself if this coincides with your image of the noble red man, with native pride, and then ask yourself why it isn’t being addressed? Ask yourself what kind of leader, hero, organization, or liberator ignores all this?

For some reason when clicking on the below it link it takes you to a page that says it can’t be found-but if you copy/paste the link it works fine. Either that or when on the page after clicking the link look to right and click on “go to blog homepage”.

extendedcare.blogspot.com/…mob…american-indian-gang.html

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The Reality of Child Marriage

The Facts

100 Million: The number of girls worldwide who will be married before the age of 18 (in the next decade).

51 Million: The number of girls (ages 15 – 19) presently married worldwide.

82%, 75%, 63%, 57%, and 50%:  The percentage of girls in Niger, Bangladesh, Nepal, India, and Uganda who marry before age 18.

39%: The percentage of girls in the Amhara region of Ethiopia who marry before age 15.

66%: The percentage of girls among Nigeria’s poorest 20% who will marry before age 15.

12%: The percentage of girls among Nigeria’s richest 20% who will marry before age 15.

Driven by, and Connected to Poverty

Child marriage is highly prevalent in two of the world’s most impoverished areas, sub-Saharan Africa and parts of South Asia.  In Bangladesh, Mali, Mozambique, and Niger, more than 75% of the population lives on less than $2.00 per day, and more than half of the young girls are married before age 18 (91% of Mali’s population lives on less than $2.00 per day).  A country’s GDP is also intimately connected to the incidence of child marriage.  Chad has a GDP of $1600 per capita, and 71% of young girls are married; contrast that with South Africa which has a GDP of $11,100 per capita and only 8% of the young girls are married.  Not surprisingly, household economic status is a key factor in childhood marriage, as children from poorer families are much more likely to be married at a young age than children from wealthy families.  According to the International Center for Research on Women (ICRW), young girls from poorer families are twice as likely to marry before age 18 than children from wealthier families.  Not only is the young girl often viewed as a financial burden, but in South Asia and sub-Saharan Africa, marriage also involves the exchange of wealth between families in the form of a dowry and/or a bride price, providing greater financial incentives for child marriage.

Violence & Abuse

A 2004 study conducted by the ICRW and its partners on young people in the states of Bihar and Jharkhand, India revealed that girls who were married before 18-years of age were twice as likely to report marital abuse (beatings, slapping, or threats), and three times as likely to report being forced to have sex without their consent (in the most recent 6 months) than girls who married later.  The survey also found that girls who married before age 18 consistently reported having more difficulty approaching and talking with their husbands about contraception, as well as when to have children and how many children to have.

Several other studies have confirmed the link between child marriage and domestic violence.  In Peru for example, a study found that child marriage increases the likelihood of domestic abuse.  In Kenya, 36% of girls married before age 18 believe that a husband is justified in beating his wife; whereas only 20% of married women hold such belief.  Young brides typically have less “bargaining power” (as compared to married women) as a result of their young age and lack of education, which also increases the likelihood of spousal abuse.

Health Impacts

Child marriage results in child sexual activity, and by extension, early child bearing.  Adolescent female bodies are not sufficiently developed or prepared for child birth, making young girls much more susceptible to complications (including death) during childbirth.  Compared to women in their 20s, girls under 15 years of age are five times more likely to die during childbirth.  In fact, pregnancy is the leading cause of death worldwide for young women age 15 to 19.  Adolescent childbirth is also dangerous for the infant.  Because young mothers are not physically suited for childbirth, infants born to young mothers are much more likely to suffer serious complications and/or die as compared to infants born to mothers in their 20s.

The incidence of HIV/AIDS is also much higher in married sexually active adolescents as compared to unmarried sexually active adolescents.  Though more research is needed to understand the connection between marriage and HIV/AIDS, current research suggests that married adolescents are more susceptible to HIV/AIDS because they have little to no option to change their sexual behavior in response to knowledge about HIV/AIDS.  For example, a study of young girls in Kenya and Zambia reported that unmarried adolescents were much more likely to change their sexual behavior (including abstaining from having sex) after learning about HIV/AIDS; whereas married adolescents did not have the option to abstain from sex.

Education as a Deterrent

According to an ICRW study of 18 of 20 countries with the highest incidence of child marriage, a young girl’s level of education is the highest predictor of the age she will marry.  In all regions of the developing world, educated girls are less likely to marry as children.  Moreover, girls who receive secondary schooling are six times less likely to marry before the age of 18 than girls with little to no education.  For economic reasons, many girls do not have the opportunity to attend school or are pulled from schools in order to get married.  Once married, a young girl’s access to both formal and informal education is severely limited because of family burdens, as well as financial concerns and societal norms.

- In Nicaragua, 45% of girls with no education are married before the age of 18, compared to just 28% of girls with a primary education, 16% of girls with secondary education, and only 5% of girls with higher education.

- In Mozambique, 60% of girls with no education are married before the age 18, compared to just 10% of girls with secondary schooling and 1% of girls with higher education.

- In Senegal, 41% of young girls with no education are married, but only 14% of girls with a primary education marry as children.

These statistics and numerous studies confirm that educating adolescent girls is a crucial component of increasing the age of marriage in developing countries.

(Source: http://www.icrw.org/publications/child-marriage-factsheets)

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Little Sissi At Nine

It’s been a long weekend, full of relentless flashbacks of things I would much rather forget. No psychotherapy over the weekend, and even if there was I find myself lacking in words, so I turn to expressing myself through art instead.

S

Little Sissi At Nine

Tags: expressing through art, flashbacks, hopelessness, inner child, Little Sissi, psychotherapy, sadness

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 21, 2011 at 22:03 and is filed under Drawing, Expressing Emotion, Expression Through Art, Flashbacks, Painting, Psychotherapy, Sadness, Sexual Abuse. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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On a Serious Note - Domestic Abuse

~I’m not a very serious person really, but domestic abuse is something I feel very passionately about and think should be taken seriously.

Ted Bundy was in the news earlier and it got me started thinking about how little you really know about the people around you.  Here this “nice guy” turned out to be a serial killer.  Of all the serial killers, Bundy scares me the most.  It’s not just him, but people like him.  Someone who seems so, well, normal.  People hide a lot of things from eachother

For example, there are a lot of people suffering from domestic abuse, whether it’s mental, emotional, sexual or physical abuse.  Often, the abuser is able to convince you that if you do try to get help, nobody will believe you.  The truth is that some people have a hard time believing that their charismatic friend would hit his wife or that their sister would beat her husband.

Some abusers isolate their victims from everyone they know.  Once they have you isolated, it becomes easier to manipulate you.  Sure, if he tells you that you’re a horrible, terrible person, you’ll just think he’s being mean at first.  After you hear over and over again, you start to believe it yourself.

People always wonder why it takes so long to leave an abuser.  There are many reasons; sometimes you feel like you have nowhere to go, or maybe you feel like you’re over-reacting and it’s not their fault, maybe you feel like it’s all your fault.  Sometimes, you feel like if you could just be good enough then everything would be okay.  Sometimes, you’re afraid for your life or your kids’ lives.

I’m not really sure if a lot of people realize how many men are abused as well.  Generally, when you think of domestic abuse you think of a man beating his wife or girlfriend.  First of all, abuse is not just physical.  Also, men are abused as well but are less likely to speak up about it.  I imagine it’s also harder to recognize this sort of abuse as well.

There’s a video on YouTube: Reaction to Women Abusing Men in Public.  It takes place in a park and shows the different reactions of people when it’s a man being abusive compared to a woman being abusive.  They’re both wrong and every single person who saw any of these encounters should’ve done something, in my opinion. Honestly, the public perception seems to be that women are less of a threat.  It’s less about the man, it’s more about seeing women as weaker in general.  Even if that were true, once again, abuse is not just physical.

If you, or someone you know, is in trouble, seek help.  If you’re trying to help someone else, please keep their safety in mind.  Some abusers are very controlling and will check your computer to see which websites you’ve visited, or see what phone calls you’ve made, etc.  The Hotline is one of many good websites for victims as well, or if you can’t visit the site, their number is: 1.800.799.SAFE(7233). I checked, they help victims of either gender. The Hotline website also has some advice for helping an abused friend on their page: How Can I Help A Friend Or Family Member Who Is Being Abused?

If you have to, grab everything you can and go to the police station, they’ll help you too.  There is help.  If you need other resources, let me know and I’ll try to find them for you.  We should all be taking care of each other.

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Sexual Assault and Violence Against Women

I wanted to share a couple video’s this week. The first one is a great campaign ad from the UK. I absolutely love it and would like to see something similar run on North American Stations. The second one is Patrick Stewart addressing Amnesty international on the issue of violence against women. He draws on his own personal experience to talk about the issue. 

Not Ever

Amnesty International- Violence Against Women

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Are You a Tithing Member of Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle? Rate Yourself.

It doesn’t take much to become a member of Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle.  With a little laziness, scandal and some effort in being trifling, you too can have courtside seats at the devil’s arena.  Just be sure to pack a water bottle because things tend to get hot! 

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You’ve shown up for church hung over from the night before.  20 points 

You’ve brought your own communion wine to church.  60 points 

You’ve hooked up with another church member during service.  60 points  If that church member was the pastor, a deacon or deaconess, add 40 points. 

You use curse words in your prayers.  10 points 

You are a choir director but can not sing and only listen to hardcore rap.        10 points 

Your church bylaws come from a Hollywood gossip magazine or some variation of a national inquirer.  40 points 

You’ve re-enacted the Lord’s supper or the Last supper at a McDonald’s food chain.  30 points 

You’ve shown up for church without wearing any underwear.  10 points 

You’ve shown up for church wearing someone else’s underwear.  20 points 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***      

Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle  Membership Rating  

0 – 60              You are almost but not quite a serious sinner. 

61 – 100          You either need Jesus or a psychiatrist.

101 – 160        You need to be hosed down with holy water. 

161 – 300        Pack your bags for a permanent vacation to hell!   

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 **Let us all remember that a church that prays together stays together.**

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The Woman of Steel behind all the Razzle Dazzle - 1st in a series about Women of Substance

Elena Linares enjoying all the "Razzle Dazzle" life brings.

When you walked into Razzle Dazzle Barber Shop, you’re instantly transported into a scene from the Christina Aguilera movie “Burlesque”.  Deep red walls covered with images of Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra flow down to meet a black and white tiled floor reminiscent of an elegant art deco hotel.  The deep colors set the backdrop for Razzle Dazzle’s lovely female barbers dressed in black and red lace corsets and towering stiletto heels.  Ornate gilded mirrors, a tasseled swing that hangs from the ceiling and deep, brocade-covered arm chairs give patrons the sensation of being in an opulent saloon or perhaps a plantation drawing room (minus the swing of course).  The lone male barber stands quietly next to his barber chair, as if understanding that he’s not the main attraction.

I’m here to interview the owner, Elena Linares, for a blog that I contribute to occasionally, “Contra Viento y Marea” in Lourdes Ruiz-Toledo’s website www.LourdesSinLimites.net.  I’m writing a series about women who have overcome great odds in their lives and can serve as inspirations to others.  I’m told Elena’s is just the story I’m looking for.

As soon as I ask for her, a petite blonde with a big smile gives me a warm welcome.  “It’s so nice to meet you!  Would you mind grabbing a table at Starbuck’s and I’ll meet you there?”  No problem, I reply and obediently head next door.  Latte in hand, I grab the only empty table in the place, outside in the ninety degree heat.  It’s the City of Miami’s birthday and Mary Brickell Village is packed with people enjoying the weather and the festivities.

A few minutes later, I watch Elena step outside the shop, but before she heads my way, I observe her shake hands with people along the way, zig-zagging back and forth between café tables, kissing and hugging her way through the crowd.  The image of a small town mayor comes to mind.  Well, a small town mayor in a sexy corset, fishnet stockings and rhinestones of course.

As soon as she arrives, she takes one look at my outside table, brushes aside my explanation that it was the only table available and says, “Oh no!  Don’t worry honey, I’ll be right back.”  Thirty seconds later, we are comfortably seated on a pair of stools inside.  I realize early on in our conversation that this is a woman who makes things happen.  Once she’s settled on her stool and has said good morning to each of the Starbuck’s servers by name, we begin the interview.

Elena’s parents emigrated from the Dominican Republic to the Bronx in New York when Elena was still very young.  The middle of nine children, she recalls her upbringing as very strict, something that she resented at the time but now appreciates as she looks back upon it.  Her parents must have been onto something as Elena isn’t the only success story in the family.  Her oldest brother, Guillermo Linares, was the first Dominican born person elected to public office in the United States in 1991.  He served as a New York City Councilman from 1992 to 2001 and continues his public service career.  She considers him her mentor and there is no mistaking the pride in her voice as she speaks of him.

Guillermo Linares

She attended Jamaica High School in Queens until a fight got her expelled.  Even as a young girl, Elena always loved cutting and styling hair.  Apparently, a girl whose hair she cut was unhappy and threatened to cut Elena’s face after school.   When someone warned her, Elena and a friend got on the train to the Bronx, rounded up a bunch of girls and headed back to the school.  Apparently, it was quite a brawl.  “I did what I thought I had to do to defend myself,” she says with a shrug.

After the infamous fight, Elena ended up at Forest Hills High School.  She had to take two trains and a long walk to get to school every day.  She chafed under her parents’ strict rules.  She wasn’t allowed to go to school dances or the movies and like most teenagers under those circumstances, she rebelled.  Thinking she was gaining freedom, she married young.  “I went from jail to a maximum security prison,” she says softly.  “I found out that I was pregnant the first time he kicked me in the back.”  She ended up in the emergency room where, after receiving the news that she was expecting, she was told that she had a 50/50 chance of losing the baby.  Elena did her best to get the bed rest she needed to save her baby.

Her efforts rewarded, she had her child, a beautiful son whom she named Philip (with one L, she clarifies).  She realized that she could not raise him in such an abusive environment.  “This is where parents fail their children.  They think that as long as the child isn’t receiving the blows they are alright, but they are so wrong!  The child is being taught that abuse is acceptable and normal and it’s never, ever acceptable!”

In 1983, with the help of her older brother, Elena gathered her son, a backpack, $200 and got on a Greyhound bus headed to Miami.   Once she’d arrived, she spent the next six months living in shelter with her son.   “I consider this the lowest point of my life but also the most important point of my life.  I promised myself that I would never again depend on anyone else for survival.”  She sits a little straighter as she makes the statement.  She beams with pride as she talks about raising Philip in a loving home.  “Today my son is an amazing husband and father!  He’s a golf pro and manages a menswear store.”

She soon found work at the Supercuts on Miracle Mile in Coral Gables.  To get to work she would take two buses to drop off her son at child care and one more bus to get to the salon.  Her employers quickly recognized that special spark in Elena as well her amazing work ethic.   Eventually they made her the bilingual educator for the company.  She traveled doing hair shows and training.  She became an integral part of the company’s East coast expansion, eventually being promoted to educate franchisees.

Seeing an opportunity, Elena opened her first Supercuts franchise on South Beach in 1989.  She quickly took on two more locations, one in North Miami Beach and the other in Homestead.  “At the time, South Beach wasn’t the hot spot it is now.  The area was depressed and in some pockets even crime-ridden.  I think they thought I was going to flop.   I soon turned the three franchises into award-winning locations.”

Despite her success with the three franchise locations, she was unable to expand to additional locations within the South Florida area so she decided to branch out to Puerto Rico where she opened eight Supercuts.  “I’d fly to Puerto Rico every week.  I was working non-stop but really enjoying my success!”

In 1991, she met Mark Randazzo, a boxer who was in Miami training with Angelo Dundee.  “He was a delight.  He cooked for me every night.  He was sweet and attentive.  Everything my first husband wasn’t.”  She smiles a little sadly at the recollection.

They were married in 1995.  Elena and Mark have two children together, Linda Marie and Mark Anthony.  “At this point I was content with my life and my marriage.”

After a time, they were approached by Jim Ferrero, a high profile lawyer, with the opportunity to open Randazzo’s, an Italian restaurant featuring home-style Italian cuisine.  One of Ferrero’s conditions was that Elena sell her franchises.  “He knew that in order for it to be successful, he needed my energy focused on the restaurant.  He knew that I am promotionally savvy; everything I touch turns to gold.  I’m like a freight train when I want to make something happen.  I don’t believe in luck or shortcuts.  You make your own destiny in this life.”

“Mark worked the back of the house and I worked the front of the house.  The restaurant was an instant success and became like an extension of our home.  We were really living the American dream.”

Randazzo's

After ten years of marriage, Elena and Mark separated and divorced.  Though it was a painful time for her, Elena brushes over it lightly, saying only that she will always be grateful to Mark for their two beautiful children and all of the good times that they had together.

In 2009, Elena opened Razzle Dazzle Barber Shop.  “Never lose faith and trust in what God puts in your path.  Even the moments that seem to be failures are just (part of the path).  There are no boundaries, “los cielos estan abiertos” (the skies are open).  When given an opportunity, I take those babies under my wings and fly with them.”

She positively glows when she talks about Razzle Dazzle.  “The idea behind Razzle Dazzle is to pamper men in a flirty but wholesome, professional manner.  It looks racy, but it really isn’t.  We give men an old-fashioned barber shop with a woman’s touch.  It’s a boudoir atmosphere, an oasis for men that takes them back to the old-days when men were allowed to be men.  When they come in with their girlfriends or wives, we pamper the ladies even more than we do the men.  We offer all of patrons a complimentary shot of white or brown sugar (Vodka or Whiskey).  The men get one, the women get two!”  Customers are also treated to warm lather neck shaves, just one more special touch Elena provides.

It’s easy to see what attracts gentlemen to Razzle Dazzle.  While Rat Pack tunes play smoothly in the background, Enrique, one of the shops VIP members, gets a straight razor shave from one of the lovely ladies.  “It’s not just a shave, it’s an experience.  I feel catered to in a way I’m not catered to anywhere else.  I feel comfortable and relaxed.  It is like the gym or spa or local bar, everyone here knows you and treats you (like a king).  Elena’s energy is infectious.  Her work ethic and passion are limitless.”

It was her customers that encouraged Elena to take on yet another project.  She is now working with a producer from Hollywood, California on a reality show based on Razzle Dazzle.  The producer met Elena when he was in Miami doing a piece on “What is Hot and Happening in South Florida”.  “We are performers, entertainers,” Elena says.  “It makes sense.”

As I’m putting away my camera and notebook, I notice two ladies peering in through the window trying to get a picture of the barber shop.  By this time I’m completely caught up in the charm of Razzle Dazzle and feel like part of the family, so I take it upon myself to invite them in so that they can get a better shot.  They are tourists and love the look of the place.  One lady tells the other, “If Dennis comes in here, he’ll never leave!”  I beam proudly as if I have something to do with it.

I say my goodbyes to Elena and her staff and, as I’m heading out, I get one last image.  A lovely Italian woman with her three children, two teenage daughters and a young son, stroll in.  After oohing and ahhing over the décor and the swing, her son asks, “why is it decorated like this?”  The tall blonde replies with a knowing look, “because she’s a lady and she knows what men like.”

While it is true that Elena Linares knows what men like, it is also true that she knows what it takes to be successful.  She’s tough, determined and ambitious.  She’s also full of joy and warmth.  She’s had her share of pain and obstacles and has refused to let them get in the way of her dreams.  She takes the time to know the people in her world and help them to succeed as well.  She sums it up simply, “I look for the same spark I have in other people and I encourage it.”

Amid the “razzle dazzle” of her life, Elena still finds time to help victims of domestic abuse through her support of Safe Harbor (www.safeharborsc.org).  So here’s to Elena Linares, a woman of steel with a heart of gold.  May she continue to make all she touches shine.

For more information about Razzle Dazzle Barber Shop, please visit http://www.razzledazzlebarbershop.com/.

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Breakups And Knives

When I had been with S for about eight months, I tried to break it off with him. I was too afraid to talk to him in a private place – the beatings were routine by then and I was afraid of him – so I told him on the steps of the student union. It was public there, and yet curiously private: it was the kind of place where you could gain anonymity just by being part of a crowd.

I told him that this had to end before his wife found out. He took the news surprisingly calmly.

I expected him to stalk me, but I did not turn around that afternoon to see him vanishing behind a corner. He did not send me obscure messages through other people, or leave notes on the windshield of my car. When I got back to my apartment after classes, there were no notes in the mailbox, and the phone did not ring.

They say that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

By the same token, if something seems too easy to have been accomplished, it probably is.

I went to bed that night without incident. At about two in the morning, I was jolted into heart-thumping wakefulness by the ugly jangling of the phone.

My wife stabbed me, he said, sobbing. She took the breadknife, I raised my arm in self-defense, and she stabbed me.

Well, what was I going to do? Leave a stabbed man to bleed?

I met him in some obscure park and drove him to the hospital. When I got a good look at him in the light, I almost keeled over. There, on the fleshy part of the inside of his arm, was a deep stab wound, about eight inches long, steadily pumping blood. The nurses whisked him away, and returned him to me about an hour later, stitched and neatly bandaged. He looked shaken and pale. Not surprising, I guess, considering the amount of blood that he had lost. I asked the nurse if they had given him any blood.

“We have a shortage,” said the nurse, who was clearly anxious to move on to the next patient. “We save the blood for the people who are really desperate.”

S looked at me plaintively. “I know you broke up with me,” he said. “So I understand if you want to send me back home to my wife.”

He knew me better than that, of course. He knew that I would never send him back to the woman who had stabbed him. I brought him home to my apartment, gave him his medication, and put him to bed. Once he was asleep, I cried myself to sleep, knowing that I was trapped, that I was stuck in this relationship whether I liked it or not.

Many months later, as we were eating dinner, I found myself staring at the scar on S’s arm. And suddenly I knew exactly what had happened. The positioning of the scar made his claim of self-defense impossible.

He had laid his arm on a table, and he had stabbed himself. As I sat there staring at him, I knew this with an absolute certainly.

He had done this to himself. He had done it in order to manipulate and control me.

From that instant, my relationship with him took on a whole new sinister meaning.

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Panic Attack?

So as i am finaly not homeless(for 2 weeks)  anymore due to family issues , i try to mentaly prepair myself in going back to college. I have a feeling this year will be the hardest. I have a couple people i know, but none that i actualy hung out with due to i always hung  out with Alex and Sarah…. and loved them to bits. The last night of me sleeping in my car i started thinking about school while i started reading some blogs here on WordPress.  Then all of a sudden it hit me life a brick wall, comming out of no where…… i started to get short of breath. All emotions started flood into my system at once. Untill this point i was able to hold back my “raw feelings”, being able to push them back and ignoring them. All the emotions of school,Alex and Sarah, and all of my sexual experiences, and family issues lately all came in at once greeting me at the door. One thing my counsler did warn me about was that you can have black lashes alot of times when things like this get resurfaced, which i knew it was true but never had i felt like this before in my life. As i sat in Mcds parking lot  i couldnt stop my self from hyperventalating. Imagines came back to me about my brother, certain details that resurfaced. Trying to calm myself down for at least 10 mintues, i knew it wasnt going to stop. I texted my best friend ( who is isnt able to reach me face to face) which cut my panic down  in about half. At first when txting him, i was even barely able to txt him… it almost seemed like my brain and fingers were frozen. I txted another close friend that was neer by in the neighboorhood, who is a male. To try to calm down the 20 percent left that was in me.  He never showed up. Hes told me that his friends  convinced him not to go because he was a male, and that he would do more dammage than good…. that what i needed was a woman.

I was so taken back by his “friends”…. so many people are so dumb about rape and sexual abuse victums. Every victum has there own preferances and there storys are all diffrent. I want to make it strait to everyone out there who hasnt had experience  in this area. NO ONE ( woman) ASKS FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO THEMSELFS! Most abuse victums are raped by the people there are close to ( not all)….  and no, they did not”ask” for it. Victums just need someone there to listen, to understand, and in a spiritual way hold them.  It is nice for a the same gender to talk to, but whats more of a value as the character inside. Its almost rediculas how this issue is pushed into a corner, like its almost tip toed around and not really cared about. but anyways… (sorry for the rant)

He later than appoligized not being there like he should have for me. Of course i forgave him, because he is a friend of mine. I guess alot of times my family and my counsler want these details about my brother… but to be honest most of them i have forgotten. Years ago when i first admited to someone i was raped, i started to heal in my own way…. (not nessarly on purpose) forgetting. In the future in these next couple of mouths or even to a year how many more will i have of these panic attacks? And how do i stop them in there tracks?

Be the first to like this post. Just trying to figure things out. Ive made mistakes.... and trying to learn from them. Being totally honest.

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Fiction Friday: A Love Story

This week instead of doing my normal Poets&Writers prompt, one of my good friends suggested that we write along the topic of women being oppressed. For me this would be easy, or so I thought, because my friend is male so I figured I’d have an upper hand on this one.

Over the week I wrote and crossed things out, I loved  but didn’t want to sound like those old women writers. Virginia Woolf  A Room of Ones Own, came to mind, Abigal Adams  Absolute Power Over Wives, Mary Wolestonecraft Vindication for the Rights of Women, and Sourjouner Truth Keep Things a Going While Things Are Stirrin, are all great reads on this subject but I wanted to think and take it out of the box.

I wanted to write something from my own experience or from an experience that another women shared with me. Writing this piece became more difficult than I had planned, but the finish story was great. Read and let me know your thoughts and feelings below.

I went home after another long day with him. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I had a day of rest, a break, kind of.

“I’m thinking about buying us tickets for this concert, want to go?” He said.

“What day is it?”

“June 8th, it’s going be in the park, everyone’s going and the tickets are still cheap.”

He remembers nothing I tell him. He doesn’t bother to look at the post it on his wall with my flight information or the itinerary I printed out and stuck on his fridge. I leave to New York in 6 days to start my internship as a PR for this really great magazine. If it goes well I’ll be staying, and if not… we’ll let’s just hope it works out.

“Babe, I love you. But again I will be going out of town for a while, I leave June 4th.”

There had been a long silence.

I watched his face and waited for a response.

He turned pink, then red, he bit down on his bottom lip, and then looked up at me with watery eyes.

“Why do you want to leave me?” He looked down at his hands then up at me.

I tried to keep myself from showing any emotion as I stood there in silence.

I thought about all the times that he hit me with his fist. I thought about all the times when, “Nyla baby” became “Bitch”. I thought about yesterday when he pinned me to the ground with his hand around my throat and his fist in my side. I thought about how I struggled to get away, my head banging back and forth against the cold tile floor. “Stop it, you’ll kill me,” I might have yelled in between gasps for air as he picked me up off the ground by neck. He shouted mean, nasty things as his hand flew freely across my face. “God! Stop it!” I yelled really loudly and he let me go. I shoved him and ran out of his front door. No shoes, none of my belongings, just my life and luckily my house keys.

I thought about how I cried myself to sleep that night with a never ending ringing phone. I thought about pills I took to relieve the headache and the tea I managed to swallow while sitting on my bedroom floor in the dark. I thought about how I promised myself that would be the last time I allowed him to hurt me.

He stared at me puzzled.

“Sweetie,” I said holding his hands in between mine, “I love you, but I have to do what is best for me I-”

He cut me off, “I can be what’s best for you,” he said throwing my hands down, tears coming down his face much faster.

These tears, they are so fake, I trust them just about as much as I trust him, very little. This situation could’ve gone two ways, but my body just couldn’t handle any more.

I walked out of his room and to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Last time I gave him a glass and my fall across his table broke it into pieces cutting my wrist.

“Drink this and let’s talk.” I shouted, not noticing he was standing behind me.

“What are you doing,” I said, memories of last time were all too fresh.

He fell to ground on his knees in hysterical tears. He grabbed my hand and started kissing it then wiping his damp face with it.

I looked down at him; I rubbed my other hand through his long curly black hair, in attempt to calm him down. A sick part of me almost liked him this way, begging for me to stay, helpless. At least I know I did something right. I was never as horrible to him as he was to me.

“Nyla baby, please! I need you, you are my world, my life, through everything I’ve loved you, I’m so sorry,” was his plea.

Who the fuck did he think I was? I thought. Did he think that I was supposed to stay with him any longer and just take the beating, and just take the abuse amongst his infidelity and lies? Does he not remember that two years ago, when we first started dating, that we said that if any kind of abuse starts to happen in our relationship we’d end it? Does he think we can work things out after all of the shit he put me through? I mean, does he really mean and believe what he’s saying?

I was sure I wanted to leave Dr. Reuben, but to see him so hurt about it was something I wasn’t prepared for.

“Baby, you don’t understand,” I said very softly, “I’m not leaving you, I may come back if it doesn’t work out there. I’ll-“

“No you won’t come back, you won’t. You’ll like it out there. You’ll meet someone new. You’ll forget about me.”

He looked up at me; he face was red covered in sweat, slob, and tears.

I felt bad for him.

“Babe, please get off the ground, let’s just go lie back in bed and get some rest, you have to go to work in 3 hours. I love you, let’s make good memories from now on and cherish the time that we have left together. Can we do that please?”

I scraped him and his heart off the ground, grabbed his hand and lead him to his bed. We crawled in and he placed his head on my chest and wrapped his arms around my waist. I inhaled deeply, he exhaled, and we breathed together rhythmically.

I wiped his tears and kissed the top of his head. I rested my head on top of his and began to cry silently as I desperately prayed for a way out.

“Nyla, I’m afraid our session is over, please be careful and do come back tomorrow.”

“Ok Dr., if god willing, I will see you tomorrow.”

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Tags: writing, personal, women, Love, fiction, Poets&Writers, creative writing, short story, dangerous love, domestic abuse, oppression

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