So as i am finaly not homeless(for 2 weeks) anymore due to family issues , i try to mentaly prepair myself in going back to college. I have a feeling this year will be the hardest. I have a couple people i know, but none that i actualy hung out with due to i always hung out with Alex and Sarah…. and loved them to bits. The last night of me sleeping in my car i started thinking about school while i started reading some blogs here on WordPress. Then all of a sudden it hit me life a brick wall, comming out of no where…… i started to get short of breath. All emotions started flood into my system at once. Untill this point i was able to hold back my “raw feelings”, being able to push them back and ignoring them. All the emotions of school,Alex and Sarah, and all of my sexual experiences, and family issues lately all came in at once greeting me at the door. One thing my counsler did warn me about was that you can have black lashes alot of times when things like this get resurfaced, which i knew it was true but never had i felt like this before in my life. As i sat in Mcds parking lot i couldnt stop my self from hyperventalating. Imagines came back to me about my brother, certain details that resurfaced. Trying to calm myself down for at least 10 mintues, i knew it wasnt going to stop. I texted my best friend ( who is isnt able to reach me face to face) which cut my panic down in about half. At first when txting him, i was even barely able to txt him… it almost seemed like my brain and fingers were frozen. I txted another close friend that was neer by in the neighboorhood, who is a male. To try to calm down the 20 percent left that was in me. He never showed up. Hes told me that his friends convinced him not to go because he was a male, and that he would do more dammage than good…. that what i needed was a woman.
I was so taken back by his “friends”…. so many people are so dumb about rape and sexual abuse victums. Every victum has there own preferances and there storys are all diffrent. I want to make it strait to everyone out there who hasnt had experience in this area. NO ONE ( woman) ASKS FOR THIS TO HAPPEN TO THEMSELFS! Most abuse victums are raped by the people there are close to ( not all)…. and no, they did not”ask” for it. Victums just need someone there to listen, to understand, and in a spiritual way hold them. It is nice for a the same gender to talk to, but whats more of a value as the character inside. Its almost rediculas how this issue is pushed into a corner, like its almost tip toed around and not really cared about. but anyways… (sorry for the rant)
He later than appoligized not being there like he should have for me. Of course i forgave him, because he is a friend of mine. I guess alot of times my family and my counsler want these details about my brother… but to be honest most of them i have forgotten. Years ago when i first admited to someone i was raped, i started to heal in my own way…. (not nessarly on purpose) forgetting. In the future in these next couple of mouths or even to a year how many more will i have of these panic attacks? And how do i stop them in there tracks?
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Just trying to figure things out. Ive made mistakes.... and trying to learn from them. Being totally honest. 
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